Sometimes, You Just Have To Change The Diaper

I once volunteered to babysit the son of a couple of dear friends so they could spend some time together without worrying about the baby. I forget how old he was a that time, but he was still in diapers and mobile. Not a terribly good combination for someone who had previously never changed a diaper before. But I marched right in to help out my friends, and hoped I’d be lucky enough that the baby wouldn’t make a mess while I was on duty.

I’ve never had good luck. About an hour into my duties, the baby made a doody. So, I made an effort to change the diaper. It was dismal. He wouldn’t stop squirming, wouldn’t stop giggling about it, and certainly wouldn’t listen to reason. There I was, a grown man with a moist towelette, trying to negotiate with an obstinate two-year-old with poop smeared all over his butt. A baby covered in shit doesn’t care that he’s covered in shit as long as the diaper is off.

Finally, I quit trying to reason with the poop-covered baby, picked him up, tucked him under my arm like he was a football, and I cleaned the crap off him despite the crying and struggling.

It was a valuable lesson I learned that day: sometimes, obstinate, unreasonable, screaming babies covered in poop should just be washed and re-diapered whether they like it or not. At that point, trying to treat them like dignified little human beings is uncalled for, if not outright impossible. Ignore their crying and simply do what’s best for them.

This is how I feel about every religious/social conservative, Faux News watching, Rush Limbaugh listening, Tea Bagger. They’re just a bunch of screaming, shit covered babies.

People who are so obstinately, aggressively, and willfully ignorant that they can look at a Hawaiian birth certificate and still be convinced Obama was born in Kenya - who can be on Medicare and carry protest signs demanding that the government stay out of their healthcare - who don’t want to pay taxes but want to be protected from criminals and terrorists by those public servants called cops, or bitch and moan about the poor quality of roads and highways, the slow response of the sand trucks on icy mornings, the long lines at the DMV, and then panic every time they’re told Social security will go bankrupt - are just not mentally mature enough to be part of the public debate. They are simply shit-covered babies who need to be cleaned up and put to bed for a nap while the grown-ups go have a serious conversation about how to fix the economy and provide for a secure national future where everyone has an equal chance to grown up healthy and educated regardless of their social class, racial background, sexual orientation, or - yes - conservative or liberal leanings.

But letting shit-covered, screaming babies like Limbaugh, Faux News, and Sarah Palin into the public debate when they have nothing constructive to contribute but fistfuls of flung poop, isn’t helping. It’s just making the mess worse.

Some people may argue that there are big shit-covered liberal babies out there - maybe, but I’ll bet you money that if you put the belligerent shit-covered conservative babies down for a nap, the liberal ones will quiet right down.

Because, let’s face it, I would not have ended up tucking that kid under my arm if he hadn’t first made a mess of himself and then refused to be cleaned up.